I think I'm developing trust issues.
As a kid I trusted very few people. My mom, and maybe that is it. There may have been others. I don't really remember. As I got into middle school I began to trust friends, but on a very basic level. Certainly not anyone of the male gender. As I moved into high school, I trusted more people. Friends mostly. In a more personal way probably. But...I was still hesitant. I began to see people moving away, never coming back, and losing touch with them. I also feared that telling people things about my life would result in it backfiring in my face, in a major way. I can't say that it ever really did. Maybe I was good at the game. Maybe there was nothing noteworthy about me to gossip about. I don't really know. Nor does it matter at this point.
I became friends with Jason and Trevor in high school, and for the first time in 10 years, I started to trust guys again. (Thanks guys!)
College began. A whole new world of social activities, dates, all nighters, homework, and classes filled my life. But the small flame of trust I had in guys began to grow dimmer and dimmer. Not because my heart was broken over and over again, or I was publicly humiliated or anything, I was mostly just not noticed. Which was a lot of my own fault. For those of you who don't know this little fact about me, I spent much of my first 18 years of life just trying to disappear. Fit in. Not get noticed. Not get attention. Never get called on or out. I was pro at it. Really. Old habits die hard, right? This lack of attention made me a little bitter and angry though. I didn't realize I had to take some responsibility in that. I used to use phrases like, "all boys are dumb." "i hate guys." It didn't even occur to me that I might be wrong until a good friend called me out in a greenhouse one day. She told me that there were guys out there that were mean, and rude, and selfish, but it wasn't the majority of guys. And that she didn't want to hear me using those phrases again. It occurred to me, for probably the first time in my life, that it was probably true. So in an effort to see the good in guys, and not have this new best friend of mine not hate me, I stopped using those phrases and started thinking of guys more positively. (yea me!)
But wait, I said I am developing trust issues (I'm getting there)...
Since then there have been three guys that have come into my life, that convinced me that I was worth their time. It made me happy. It gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, I was. The first one, I was just so shocked to get attention that I didn't even know what to do with myself. The second broke my heart in a way that I feared I would never get over, and the third has made me distrust all of the male gender again. And the sick part is I keep letting him back in, in small ways to break my heart all over again. I know he will. And yet somehow I convince myself that the small, short-lived bit of time he makes me smile and feel worthwhile is worth the inevitable heartbreak that will come. But, sometimes that attention feels better than none at all.
I shouldn't be bitter. I shouldn't base all guys on these three. I know this. I am just tainted. And hurt. And feel hopeless sometimes.
The part that has me most worried is that there will someday come some great guy into my life and I will mess it up because all my walls are up. And I'm guarded. And that I won't trust him. And I'll push him away.
Ugh.
So there is where I'm at. No trust.
(I know I promised a few of you that I would stop being bitter a while ago. What can I say? It comes and goes.)
