If I'm being honest...

I would have to tell you that I have spent most, if not all, of my life pretending I am happier than I really felt.  Why would I do this, you might ask? Well...I mean, who really wants to be that bitter girl who is constantly pulling everyone down? Not me.  So I would fake it.  Fake it til you make it?? I was never really sure if that phrase had any good outcomes, but at least I could feel good about not being the Debbie Downer all the time, right?

The last year of my life has been nuts.  I am not really sure anyone, but me, knows all the things that have happened or I've gone through, or I've put myself through.  Some people know bits and pieces, but the whole picture is probably safely tucked away in my head.  Which is okay.  All I can tell you for sure is that I am probably in the best place emotionally and spiritually that I have ever been.  It is the weirdest feeling to me to be so content with where my life is.  I almost feel like I haven't made enough good decisions lately to feel like I deserve to be so happy, but nevertheless, I do.  And deserved or not, I am gonna take it!

I have spent so much of my life feeling sorry for myself for the things that other people have that I don't, or the trials that I have had to face, that I felt like I was alone in, that I was forgetting to see the good going on too. I forgot how to turn the trial into something positive.  It was like standing in quicksand.  The more I felt sorry for myself the harder my trials became which would sink me deeper into despair and start the cycle all over.  I know there were people trying to encourage me and help me see what was happening, but i was just not listening.  (I thought I was listening, but I wasn't)

I don't really know what happened to change everything.  I think there are a lot of factors.  You know how people use the phrase "when you just know, you know" when they are dating someone? Well the same is true for me, only in the opposite way.  I am REALLY good at knowing when a guy is all wrong for me.  When he is not the one.  ("the one"?...is there really such a thing as "the one"? who knows) I have gotten that answer more times than I wish to remember.  With some, I know from the second a word pops out of their mouth.  Other times it takes me a little longer to see it. But the answer has never been anything but "no".  (expect for one person who is a "not right now", which could still mean he will always be a no, but I don't know right now) Which can get very frustrating.  ESPECIALLY when I am already in a relationship with that person.  Let me say....awkward. haha and i definitely made a lot of bad decisions along the way.  Sometimes when I knew the person was all wrong for me I would still date them, because I was being selfish and wanted to.  Wanted attention.  Wanted to feel liked, or loved.  But in the past when things didn't work, or I got this "no" I would go back to my desert full of quicksand.  I couldn't watch cute chick flicks because I either wanted to cry or throw something.  People holding hands made me want to scream in public.  And I would cry a lot about my situation when i was alone.

Over the last 4 months I have been doing a lot of changing.  I started removing these "no's" from my life, or at least my dating life.  I don't even think I realized I was doing it.  I just got fed up with the same  dramatic cycle I was putting myself through. And the outcome has been amazing! Yes, I am still single. but for the first time in my life I can honestly say I am happily single.  I think it is because for the first time, i am choosing to be single.  I choose to say no, when i could say yes. You might not believe that i am so happy.  Its okay.  I didn't believe it myself for a while, but its true.  I love seeing people in love.  It makes me happy to know they have it.  I love chick flicks (i mean lets be real, who doesn't?) And I love where my life is. Things in my Patriarchal Blessing that have never made sense to me, are now making sense.  I am working on having a real relationship with my Heavenly Father, and I couldn't be more happy about it.  I am finally beginning to internalize some of the principles I have believed for so long but never really felt working in my life.

Like I said, it feels almost weird to me to feel this way, but I love it.  And I hope that I don't lose my grip on it.

As a side note, I feel like when I do finally come across a guy who likes me, I like him, and I feel good about keeping him in my life, he is pretty much going to be AMAZING! i just know it.

The Weather

...so the weather in Texas....

Okay, no, I am not really going to write about the weather but this post may be just as boring as the weather. I am in the mood to vent today. If you are not excited about hearing me rant, then feel free to skip this post. I would totally understand.

As some of you may or may not know, I work for a mortgage company. For the last 2 and a half years I have worked in various forms of collections for said company. In that time I have seen probably the very worst parts of the housing industry. I really liked my job when I first started but once I moved up to Foreclosure Prevention Department things changed. I began to only work with people who were in foreclosure and I was trying to help them avoid that process. I began to see the foreclosure process from start to foreclosure sale. And it was very taxing on me.

I will start by saying that the housing market sucks! We all know this. Unless you are in the market to buy and you dont have a house to sell at the same time (rent-> house) then you might not feel it, but every one else does. Previous to 2007 interest rates were ridiculous and houses were way overpriced. It was like you were asking to be ripped off. But that was the price to be a home owner. And many people paid it. Then the market tanked and all the sudden no one's house was worth what they owed. No bueno. The job market also tanked. So now everyone is losing their jobs and cant pay for their overpriced homes. So what happens? Unemployed is extended, banks are bailed out, and modification programs are put into place.

I also want you to know that I know that their are good, honest, hard working, good people out there who had no choice but to stop paying for their homes to simply just survive. To just put food on the table for themselves and their families. And to those people I feel genuine empathy for, and I did my best to help them any way that I could.

Those people are not the ones I am ranting about. I am ranting about the others.

*disclaimer. Please understand that I come from a different perspective than you probably see. I have seen the worst of the worst.

Today I found out that a man who I had tried to help several months ago is now suing my company because I wouldn't modify his loan. Let me set the scene for you. He fell behind on his payments 2 years ago and we modified his loan at that time. Gave him lower payments. Made him current. Lowered his interest rate, and sent him on his way. 18 months goes by and after many attempts to contact this man he finally calls me. He is now 18 months behind on his payments. He never made a single payment after we helped him 2 years ago. Not one! I took financial information and it turns out his makes more than double what he did when we modified him. He wants help to get current. But his interest rate is too low now to help him. He makes too much money to qualify. Hypothetically after all his bills are paid (including his mortgage) he could make another mortgage payment on top of that and be fine every month. How many people can say that? I know I cant do that with my rent. My job included telling people no if they don't qualify. So he is suing because he says we "have" to give him a modification. Where was he for those 18 months? He had every excuse in the book. None of which were good.

Shouldn't we be helping people who actually want it and cant afford their payments? I don't get it. When did everyone in our society start to feel so entitled to everything?

-You HAVE to give me unemployment
-You HAVE to give us food on welfare because I have kids
-I should get disability money from the government because I have MS (even though I can still work just fine and have no real physical disabilities yet) -i know this man personally. ugh
-The government bailed banks out so you HAVE to lower my interest rate
-I can go on unemployment, so why work?
-The more kids I have, the more welfare gives me
-I spilled my hot coffee on me because I was distracted while driving and now I'm going to sue McDonald's.
-I am going to stop paying my mortgage, wait until I'm almost foreclosed on, file bankruptcy, and continue to live in a house for free for years while never paying a dime and then flip out that you are "putting us on the streets"
-Having 2 car payments that are EACH over $500, yet you aren't going to pay your $1000 house payment.

What happened to hard work? What happened to saying money? What happened to trying to get caught up? What happened to living below your means? What happened to not taking advantage of people/gov/organizations just because you can?

I just don't get it. are those people still out there? Have we just all lost our minds? Is being a decent person like that a dying quality? I don't have answers. I am just annoyed. I am certainly not perfect in this, but I will give credit to my mother for having most of those good qualities. My whole life she has worked more than one job. She has savings, and when things were tight with us, she would tell me, "no, you cant go there unless you can pay for it yourself". She understood the need for being self sufficient was of far greater importance than my "need" for instant gratification. She is a good woman, and I wish I was more like her in a lot of ways.

On a plus side, I no longer work in that department. I work in the Foreclosure department. I work solely with attorneys to move the process along. I upload docs, order appraisals, order inspections, and help attorneys any way i can. I know that sounds boring, but I really love it. lol

(End Rant)

Have a great day!!