The last year of my life has been nuts. I am not really sure anyone, but me, knows all the things that have happened or I've gone through, or I've put myself through. Some people know bits and pieces, but the whole picture is probably safely tucked away in my head. Which is okay. All I can tell you for sure is that I am probably in the best place emotionally and spiritually that I have ever been. It is the weirdest feeling to me to be so content with where my life is. I almost feel like I haven't made enough good decisions lately to feel like I deserve to be so happy, but nevertheless, I do. And deserved or not, I am gonna take it!
I have spent so much of my life feeling sorry for myself for the things that other people have that I don't, or the trials that I have had to face, that I felt like I was alone in, that I was forgetting to see the good going on too. I forgot how to turn the trial into something positive. It was like standing in quicksand. The more I felt sorry for myself the harder my trials became which would sink me deeper into despair and start the cycle all over. I know there were people trying to encourage me and help me see what was happening, but i was just not listening. (I thought I was listening, but I wasn't)
I don't really know what happened to change everything. I think there are a lot of factors. You know how people use the phrase "when you just know, you know" when they are dating someone? Well the same is true for me, only in the opposite way. I am REALLY good at knowing when a guy is all wrong for me. When he is not the one. ("the one"?...is there really such a thing as "the one"? who knows) I have gotten that answer more times than I wish to remember. With some, I know from the second a word pops out of their mouth. Other times it takes me a little longer to see it. But the answer has never been anything but "no". (expect for one person who is a "not right now", which could still mean he will always be a no, but I don't know right now) Which can get very frustrating. ESPECIALLY when I am already in a relationship with that person. Let me say....awkward. haha and i definitely made a lot of bad decisions along the way. Sometimes when I knew the person was all wrong for me I would still date them, because I was being selfish and wanted to. Wanted attention. Wanted to feel liked, or loved. But in the past when things didn't work, or I got this "no" I would go back to my desert full of quicksand. I couldn't watch cute chick flicks because I either wanted to cry or throw something. People holding hands made me want to scream in public. And I would cry a lot about my situation when i was alone.
Over the last 4 months I have been doing a lot of changing. I started removing these "no's" from my life, or at least my dating life. I don't even think I realized I was doing it. I just got fed up with the same dramatic cycle I was putting myself through. And the outcome has been amazing! Yes, I am still single. but for the first time in my life I can honestly say I am happily single. I think it is because for the first time, i am choosing to be single. I choose to say no, when i could say yes. You might not believe that i am so happy. Its okay. I didn't believe it myself for a while, but its true. I love seeing people in love. It makes me happy to know they have it. I love chick flicks (i mean lets be real, who doesn't?) And I love where my life is. Things in my Patriarchal Blessing that have never made sense to me, are now making sense. I am working on having a real relationship with my Heavenly Father, and I couldn't be more happy about it. I am finally beginning to internalize some of the principles I have believed for so long but never really felt working in my life.
Like I said, it feels almost weird to me to feel this way, but I love it. And I hope that I don't lose my grip on it.
As a side note, I feel like when I do finally come across a guy who likes me, I like him, and I feel good about keeping him in my life, he is pretty much going to be AMAZING! i just know it.
I realize that I say this alot, but I when you write things like this I can't help myself: I love you so much. I do. It's true.
ReplyDeleteCome visit me. Soon.
It makes me happy to read how happy you are. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd you have definitely always done a successful job at portraying optimism and helping lift others, regardless of how you've felt inside. Thanks for lifting me on more than one occasion.