Im totally faking it!

This post is probably going to be a conglomerate of lots of random thoughts. but it is 1:30am and i cant sleep. These thoughts have been plaguing my mind for a while now, and its the only thing rolling through my head right now. So i will put them down here, so i can sleep (hopefully).

Three things that are going to be highlighted during this post:

1. Im pretty

2. Im totally faking it

3. I wish I could change my personality sometimes

I am a girl. As a girl, when i look in the mirror there are several things that run through my mind. Probably a majority of the time I think things that are typical for most girls. Things I wish I could change about my body. I wish for a flatter stomach. That my thighs didn't touch each other. That I had less chins. That my arms were smaller. That my butt was bigger. (Yes i wish for a bigger butt. Mine is so annoyingly flat, ugh!) I think most girls do things like this. I am normal. Okay fine. But there are also times when I look in the mirror and can appreciate some pretty great things I see. It is usually when i put on makeup and do my hair, something that doesn't happen most of the time. I am usually hunched over the sink washing my hands or brushing my teeth when I notice. Tonight was one of those times. I had put on makeup and done my hair because I went with some friends to a birthday gathering. I was home and getting ready for bed when i looked up from washing my hands and the first thing that came to my mind was, "Dang, Al, you are strikingly beautiful! No but really, you look great tonight!" This is something I used to never be able to do. I used to never ever see anything good. Only bad. So I am proud of myself for that. I had to work hard for a long time to see those good things. I had to change my thoughts. It was never a matter of makeup or hair. It was always a matter of my mind, and I came to know it always will be. Something I can now be thankful for. So after I look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful, one of the next things is always the next thing I think.

1. Why am I single, you stupid stupid boys? Especially you dumb Mormon boys. You have no idea what you are passing up. You are so so stupid!

2. Okay, so I have a great face, now I need a great body to compliment it. Alright, Al, gym! Get it together.

3. Yeeeeeeaaaah. I look good. I need to do this more often. I need to get all dolled up more and go out and show myself off. hmmm...(plans begin to form)

As for the gym, I am definitely working on that right now. Going out, well, I should dress up more often. I'll work on it. And those dumb boys...you are still a mystery to me.

Lets talk about that for a second, since I have danced around that subject in several other posts. Why not tell you? Its something that plagues my thoughts a lot, so why not share with people who take time to read my blog? I have been through a lot of crap in the last 16 months. It wasn't all bad. Some of it was incredibly good, but the bad has far outweighed the good. So why is that I keep running into these awful guys? I cant say that i am really sure. The common link is me, so i genuinely wonder if its something Im doing wrong. But if it is, i haven't figured out what it is. I mean some of them have been good natured guys with good intentions, but just terrible at executing it. Others were just awful because they are...awful I guess. I am not one of those annoyingly mysterious girls who never tells a guy what he wants or freaks out for no reason. I am very good at communicating. In fact, I have said on many occasions that I make an excellent girlfriend. I really believe that. I tell guys exactly what I want. I tell them up front. And yet, still, crap is what I get.

I have had several guys ask me the question that I hate most of all. "Why are you single?" I really do hate that question on all levels. Mostly because it comes off accusatory. Like I obviously must be completely jacked up to be single at 27. I know it is usually not meant this way, but i still hate the question and often just mumble out an 'I dont know'. Sometimes guys word it a little different. "How is it possible that you are single?" Which I like better. It seems more like a compliment. The most recent person who asked me this had already asked me on a date, but we hadn't gone yet. He asked the latter question and i struggled to answer. The first thing that always comes to mind is something mean like, "Because all guys are idiots!" or "Because guys are too shallow to see past me not being skinny to see that I am amazing." But I never say that. Never. I have an answer for him now, although I would probably never say it to him. Its because he asked me out on a date, paid attention to me, and then never followed up with the date and stopped talking to me. That is exactly why I am single. I agreed to go on the date. I was excited and expressed that, but for some reason unknown to me, he is done with me. And this is not an isolated incident. About a week after that, a different guy did the exact same thing. He even scheduled the date. We had a great conversation on the phone and he was excited. So was I. Then he just quit talking to me. Didn't show for the date and still hasn't talked to me afterwards. That is why I am single. I will not annoy someone into talking to me. I tried a few times to get them to talk to me, but there is a point where I have to stop putting in 100% of the effort. Both of these guys were LDS. So my previous statement about guys being so so dumb, especially the LDS ones, is very very true in my mind.

On a separate but related topic, I have never been in a relationship or that beginning stage of flirting and dating where the guy didnt expect me to have sex with him. This goes for the LDS guys too. I am of course excluding all of the "friend dates" I have been on. I am talking about the ones where the guys want to date me or whatever. It is something i have come to expect and address with non LDS guys so that we are clear from the beginning. But for some reason I don't do this with LDS guys. I think its because i feel awkward about it. Like they would be like "well duh, you don't need to tell me this. We go to the same church." And i also just expect them to hold a certain standard. Why shouldn't I expect this? And every time I realize I cant expect this its like it kills my insides. I feel like small parts of me die inside because they have just put a value on me, and it going rate for sex. Which in this world sex is giving up on first dates and to people who they know they will never see again, or don't even think to ask their last name. It is given so easily that when those people do finally find a partner for life they have to count on fingers and toes and sometimes more how many partners they have had. So the value of sex is valued less and less everyday. Another reason I am single. Is it as shocking to you as it is to me that I have NEVER EVER had a guy try to date me who doesn't expect this? And then there are the other 95% of LDS guys who don't ever look at me twice. They wouldn't even consider dating me, for whatever reason. They kill my insides too. In smaller ways, but little by little they do the same to me.

This brings me to my second and third point. They go together.

I am totally faking it. This post makes me sound angry and bitter. Im not. I fake it somethings though. I dont know why. I think because i feel like i have some sort of right to. Or because it would be expected. But i am not bitter. I dont hate all guys. I am not angry. I dont distrust all guys. Sometimes when im in the car with my roommate, Breanna, and a cute song comes on the radio i yell out things like, "LIAR!" or "He is a liar. Don't believe him Carrie (Underwood). He will just saying it." or "Love. Ppppppfffff...love is crap!" I do this because Bre thinks its funny. (I am really yelling, haha) And I like being funny. But I dont believe that. Love is not crap. Guys are not all liars. And for some reason I still trust LDS guys the most. Every time. I believe they are good. I believe they would never try to get me to have sex with them on a first or second date even though that has not been my experience.

Don't think that there aren't times when I hate guys, or when I cry, or when I am unbelievably mad. This definitely happens. But it is not my norm. I dont spend all my time this way, and as soon as the next one comes around, I am like a girl who has never had her heart broken.

So, is this a good thing, or am I just seriously stupid? I dont know. Both maybe. Part of me loves that I still have trust. Part of me loves that I dont just assume that LDS guys would try to sleep with me. I guess its because i have evidence that it can happen. That I could find a guy who likes me, and who would spend lots of time with to get to know me, and then one day he will fall in love with me, and ask me to marry him, and not push me to have sex with him. Because his goals are the same as mine. The temple. I know plenty of people who have done this. Again, why am I finding all the crap? I dont get it.

The other part of me wishes I could change my personality a little. I wish I could become hard and uncaring, unforgiving, and untrusting. I wish for guys to pass me by because they cant get through to me. Because I never let them. Because I didnt trust them. And only the ones who pushed, and gave 1000% and went so far out of their way, would i soften for. Only them would I let in and trust because they had proven themselves. That way I would have a little more security that my heart might not get crushed. I envy those girls sometimes. I have tried to be this way, but i just cant. I trust too easily. I see the best in people. And most people are showing their best at the beginning. So that is what i see. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I forgive and turn a blind eye to things. And I hate it sometimes.

So what is to be done? Why am I writing all of this? I guess I dont really know. Just to put it out there. I dont have a solution. I dont know why this is my life, or why I am often treated so poorly. Its just the way it is I suppose. Something that has been a hard pill to swallow, but I cant change them. Only me. And I think Im doing alright with what I've had to work with.