If I'm being honest...

I would have to tell you that I have spent most, if not all, of my life pretending I am happier than I really felt.  Why would I do this, you might ask? Well...I mean, who really wants to be that bitter girl who is constantly pulling everyone down? Not me.  So I would fake it.  Fake it til you make it?? I was never really sure if that phrase had any good outcomes, but at least I could feel good about not being the Debbie Downer all the time, right?

The last year of my life has been nuts.  I am not really sure anyone, but me, knows all the things that have happened or I've gone through, or I've put myself through.  Some people know bits and pieces, but the whole picture is probably safely tucked away in my head.  Which is okay.  All I can tell you for sure is that I am probably in the best place emotionally and spiritually that I have ever been.  It is the weirdest feeling to me to be so content with where my life is.  I almost feel like I haven't made enough good decisions lately to feel like I deserve to be so happy, but nevertheless, I do.  And deserved or not, I am gonna take it!

I have spent so much of my life feeling sorry for myself for the things that other people have that I don't, or the trials that I have had to face, that I felt like I was alone in, that I was forgetting to see the good going on too. I forgot how to turn the trial into something positive.  It was like standing in quicksand.  The more I felt sorry for myself the harder my trials became which would sink me deeper into despair and start the cycle all over.  I know there were people trying to encourage me and help me see what was happening, but i was just not listening.  (I thought I was listening, but I wasn't)

I don't really know what happened to change everything.  I think there are a lot of factors.  You know how people use the phrase "when you just know, you know" when they are dating someone? Well the same is true for me, only in the opposite way.  I am REALLY good at knowing when a guy is all wrong for me.  When he is not the one.  ("the one"?...is there really such a thing as "the one"? who knows) I have gotten that answer more times than I wish to remember.  With some, I know from the second a word pops out of their mouth.  Other times it takes me a little longer to see it. But the answer has never been anything but "no".  (expect for one person who is a "not right now", which could still mean he will always be a no, but I don't know right now) Which can get very frustrating.  ESPECIALLY when I am already in a relationship with that person.  Let me say....awkward. haha and i definitely made a lot of bad decisions along the way.  Sometimes when I knew the person was all wrong for me I would still date them, because I was being selfish and wanted to.  Wanted attention.  Wanted to feel liked, or loved.  But in the past when things didn't work, or I got this "no" I would go back to my desert full of quicksand.  I couldn't watch cute chick flicks because I either wanted to cry or throw something.  People holding hands made me want to scream in public.  And I would cry a lot about my situation when i was alone.

Over the last 4 months I have been doing a lot of changing.  I started removing these "no's" from my life, or at least my dating life.  I don't even think I realized I was doing it.  I just got fed up with the same  dramatic cycle I was putting myself through. And the outcome has been amazing! Yes, I am still single. but for the first time in my life I can honestly say I am happily single.  I think it is because for the first time, i am choosing to be single.  I choose to say no, when i could say yes. You might not believe that i am so happy.  Its okay.  I didn't believe it myself for a while, but its true.  I love seeing people in love.  It makes me happy to know they have it.  I love chick flicks (i mean lets be real, who doesn't?) And I love where my life is. Things in my Patriarchal Blessing that have never made sense to me, are now making sense.  I am working on having a real relationship with my Heavenly Father, and I couldn't be more happy about it.  I am finally beginning to internalize some of the principles I have believed for so long but never really felt working in my life.

Like I said, it feels almost weird to me to feel this way, but I love it.  And I hope that I don't lose my grip on it.

As a side note, I feel like when I do finally come across a guy who likes me, I like him, and I feel good about keeping him in my life, he is pretty much going to be AMAZING! i just know it.

The Weather

...so the weather in Texas....

Okay, no, I am not really going to write about the weather but this post may be just as boring as the weather. I am in the mood to vent today. If you are not excited about hearing me rant, then feel free to skip this post. I would totally understand.

As some of you may or may not know, I work for a mortgage company. For the last 2 and a half years I have worked in various forms of collections for said company. In that time I have seen probably the very worst parts of the housing industry. I really liked my job when I first started but once I moved up to Foreclosure Prevention Department things changed. I began to only work with people who were in foreclosure and I was trying to help them avoid that process. I began to see the foreclosure process from start to foreclosure sale. And it was very taxing on me.

I will start by saying that the housing market sucks! We all know this. Unless you are in the market to buy and you dont have a house to sell at the same time (rent-> house) then you might not feel it, but every one else does. Previous to 2007 interest rates were ridiculous and houses were way overpriced. It was like you were asking to be ripped off. But that was the price to be a home owner. And many people paid it. Then the market tanked and all the sudden no one's house was worth what they owed. No bueno. The job market also tanked. So now everyone is losing their jobs and cant pay for their overpriced homes. So what happens? Unemployed is extended, banks are bailed out, and modification programs are put into place.

I also want you to know that I know that their are good, honest, hard working, good people out there who had no choice but to stop paying for their homes to simply just survive. To just put food on the table for themselves and their families. And to those people I feel genuine empathy for, and I did my best to help them any way that I could.

Those people are not the ones I am ranting about. I am ranting about the others.

*disclaimer. Please understand that I come from a different perspective than you probably see. I have seen the worst of the worst.

Today I found out that a man who I had tried to help several months ago is now suing my company because I wouldn't modify his loan. Let me set the scene for you. He fell behind on his payments 2 years ago and we modified his loan at that time. Gave him lower payments. Made him current. Lowered his interest rate, and sent him on his way. 18 months goes by and after many attempts to contact this man he finally calls me. He is now 18 months behind on his payments. He never made a single payment after we helped him 2 years ago. Not one! I took financial information and it turns out his makes more than double what he did when we modified him. He wants help to get current. But his interest rate is too low now to help him. He makes too much money to qualify. Hypothetically after all his bills are paid (including his mortgage) he could make another mortgage payment on top of that and be fine every month. How many people can say that? I know I cant do that with my rent. My job included telling people no if they don't qualify. So he is suing because he says we "have" to give him a modification. Where was he for those 18 months? He had every excuse in the book. None of which were good.

Shouldn't we be helping people who actually want it and cant afford their payments? I don't get it. When did everyone in our society start to feel so entitled to everything?

-You HAVE to give me unemployment
-You HAVE to give us food on welfare because I have kids
-I should get disability money from the government because I have MS (even though I can still work just fine and have no real physical disabilities yet) -i know this man personally. ugh
-The government bailed banks out so you HAVE to lower my interest rate
-I can go on unemployment, so why work?
-The more kids I have, the more welfare gives me
-I spilled my hot coffee on me because I was distracted while driving and now I'm going to sue McDonald's.
-I am going to stop paying my mortgage, wait until I'm almost foreclosed on, file bankruptcy, and continue to live in a house for free for years while never paying a dime and then flip out that you are "putting us on the streets"
-Having 2 car payments that are EACH over $500, yet you aren't going to pay your $1000 house payment.

What happened to hard work? What happened to saying money? What happened to trying to get caught up? What happened to living below your means? What happened to not taking advantage of people/gov/organizations just because you can?

I just don't get it. are those people still out there? Have we just all lost our minds? Is being a decent person like that a dying quality? I don't have answers. I am just annoyed. I am certainly not perfect in this, but I will give credit to my mother for having most of those good qualities. My whole life she has worked more than one job. She has savings, and when things were tight with us, she would tell me, "no, you cant go there unless you can pay for it yourself". She understood the need for being self sufficient was of far greater importance than my "need" for instant gratification. She is a good woman, and I wish I was more like her in a lot of ways.

On a plus side, I no longer work in that department. I work in the Foreclosure department. I work solely with attorneys to move the process along. I upload docs, order appraisals, order inspections, and help attorneys any way i can. I know that sounds boring, but I really love it. lol

(End Rant)

Have a great day!!

Im totally faking it!

This post is probably going to be a conglomerate of lots of random thoughts. but it is 1:30am and i cant sleep. These thoughts have been plaguing my mind for a while now, and its the only thing rolling through my head right now. So i will put them down here, so i can sleep (hopefully).

Three things that are going to be highlighted during this post:

1. Im pretty

2. Im totally faking it

3. I wish I could change my personality sometimes

I am a girl. As a girl, when i look in the mirror there are several things that run through my mind. Probably a majority of the time I think things that are typical for most girls. Things I wish I could change about my body. I wish for a flatter stomach. That my thighs didn't touch each other. That I had less chins. That my arms were smaller. That my butt was bigger. (Yes i wish for a bigger butt. Mine is so annoyingly flat, ugh!) I think most girls do things like this. I am normal. Okay fine. But there are also times when I look in the mirror and can appreciate some pretty great things I see. It is usually when i put on makeup and do my hair, something that doesn't happen most of the time. I am usually hunched over the sink washing my hands or brushing my teeth when I notice. Tonight was one of those times. I had put on makeup and done my hair because I went with some friends to a birthday gathering. I was home and getting ready for bed when i looked up from washing my hands and the first thing that came to my mind was, "Dang, Al, you are strikingly beautiful! No but really, you look great tonight!" This is something I used to never be able to do. I used to never ever see anything good. Only bad. So I am proud of myself for that. I had to work hard for a long time to see those good things. I had to change my thoughts. It was never a matter of makeup or hair. It was always a matter of my mind, and I came to know it always will be. Something I can now be thankful for. So after I look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful, one of the next things is always the next thing I think.

1. Why am I single, you stupid stupid boys? Especially you dumb Mormon boys. You have no idea what you are passing up. You are so so stupid!

2. Okay, so I have a great face, now I need a great body to compliment it. Alright, Al, gym! Get it together.

3. Yeeeeeeaaaah. I look good. I need to do this more often. I need to get all dolled up more and go out and show myself off. hmmm...(plans begin to form)

As for the gym, I am definitely working on that right now. Going out, well, I should dress up more often. I'll work on it. And those dumb boys...you are still a mystery to me.

Lets talk about that for a second, since I have danced around that subject in several other posts. Why not tell you? Its something that plagues my thoughts a lot, so why not share with people who take time to read my blog? I have been through a lot of crap in the last 16 months. It wasn't all bad. Some of it was incredibly good, but the bad has far outweighed the good. So why is that I keep running into these awful guys? I cant say that i am really sure. The common link is me, so i genuinely wonder if its something Im doing wrong. But if it is, i haven't figured out what it is. I mean some of them have been good natured guys with good intentions, but just terrible at executing it. Others were just awful because they are...awful I guess. I am not one of those annoyingly mysterious girls who never tells a guy what he wants or freaks out for no reason. I am very good at communicating. In fact, I have said on many occasions that I make an excellent girlfriend. I really believe that. I tell guys exactly what I want. I tell them up front. And yet, still, crap is what I get.

I have had several guys ask me the question that I hate most of all. "Why are you single?" I really do hate that question on all levels. Mostly because it comes off accusatory. Like I obviously must be completely jacked up to be single at 27. I know it is usually not meant this way, but i still hate the question and often just mumble out an 'I dont know'. Sometimes guys word it a little different. "How is it possible that you are single?" Which I like better. It seems more like a compliment. The most recent person who asked me this had already asked me on a date, but we hadn't gone yet. He asked the latter question and i struggled to answer. The first thing that always comes to mind is something mean like, "Because all guys are idiots!" or "Because guys are too shallow to see past me not being skinny to see that I am amazing." But I never say that. Never. I have an answer for him now, although I would probably never say it to him. Its because he asked me out on a date, paid attention to me, and then never followed up with the date and stopped talking to me. That is exactly why I am single. I agreed to go on the date. I was excited and expressed that, but for some reason unknown to me, he is done with me. And this is not an isolated incident. About a week after that, a different guy did the exact same thing. He even scheduled the date. We had a great conversation on the phone and he was excited. So was I. Then he just quit talking to me. Didn't show for the date and still hasn't talked to me afterwards. That is why I am single. I will not annoy someone into talking to me. I tried a few times to get them to talk to me, but there is a point where I have to stop putting in 100% of the effort. Both of these guys were LDS. So my previous statement about guys being so so dumb, especially the LDS ones, is very very true in my mind.

On a separate but related topic, I have never been in a relationship or that beginning stage of flirting and dating where the guy didnt expect me to have sex with him. This goes for the LDS guys too. I am of course excluding all of the "friend dates" I have been on. I am talking about the ones where the guys want to date me or whatever. It is something i have come to expect and address with non LDS guys so that we are clear from the beginning. But for some reason I don't do this with LDS guys. I think its because i feel awkward about it. Like they would be like "well duh, you don't need to tell me this. We go to the same church." And i also just expect them to hold a certain standard. Why shouldn't I expect this? And every time I realize I cant expect this its like it kills my insides. I feel like small parts of me die inside because they have just put a value on me, and it going rate for sex. Which in this world sex is giving up on first dates and to people who they know they will never see again, or don't even think to ask their last name. It is given so easily that when those people do finally find a partner for life they have to count on fingers and toes and sometimes more how many partners they have had. So the value of sex is valued less and less everyday. Another reason I am single. Is it as shocking to you as it is to me that I have NEVER EVER had a guy try to date me who doesn't expect this? And then there are the other 95% of LDS guys who don't ever look at me twice. They wouldn't even consider dating me, for whatever reason. They kill my insides too. In smaller ways, but little by little they do the same to me.

This brings me to my second and third point. They go together.

I am totally faking it. This post makes me sound angry and bitter. Im not. I fake it somethings though. I dont know why. I think because i feel like i have some sort of right to. Or because it would be expected. But i am not bitter. I dont hate all guys. I am not angry. I dont distrust all guys. Sometimes when im in the car with my roommate, Breanna, and a cute song comes on the radio i yell out things like, "LIAR!" or "He is a liar. Don't believe him Carrie (Underwood). He will just saying it." or "Love. Ppppppfffff...love is crap!" I do this because Bre thinks its funny. (I am really yelling, haha) And I like being funny. But I dont believe that. Love is not crap. Guys are not all liars. And for some reason I still trust LDS guys the most. Every time. I believe they are good. I believe they would never try to get me to have sex with them on a first or second date even though that has not been my experience.

Don't think that there aren't times when I hate guys, or when I cry, or when I am unbelievably mad. This definitely happens. But it is not my norm. I dont spend all my time this way, and as soon as the next one comes around, I am like a girl who has never had her heart broken.

So, is this a good thing, or am I just seriously stupid? I dont know. Both maybe. Part of me loves that I still have trust. Part of me loves that I dont just assume that LDS guys would try to sleep with me. I guess its because i have evidence that it can happen. That I could find a guy who likes me, and who would spend lots of time with to get to know me, and then one day he will fall in love with me, and ask me to marry him, and not push me to have sex with him. Because his goals are the same as mine. The temple. I know plenty of people who have done this. Again, why am I finding all the crap? I dont get it.

The other part of me wishes I could change my personality a little. I wish I could become hard and uncaring, unforgiving, and untrusting. I wish for guys to pass me by because they cant get through to me. Because I never let them. Because I didnt trust them. And only the ones who pushed, and gave 1000% and went so far out of their way, would i soften for. Only them would I let in and trust because they had proven themselves. That way I would have a little more security that my heart might not get crushed. I envy those girls sometimes. I have tried to be this way, but i just cant. I trust too easily. I see the best in people. And most people are showing their best at the beginning. So that is what i see. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I forgive and turn a blind eye to things. And I hate it sometimes.

So what is to be done? Why am I writing all of this? I guess I dont really know. Just to put it out there. I dont have a solution. I dont know why this is my life, or why I am often treated so poorly. Its just the way it is I suppose. Something that has been a hard pill to swallow, but I cant change them. Only me. And I think Im doing alright with what I've had to work with.

Operation: THE DRESS

This story begins some eight or so years ago in a widely overlooked city known as Omaha Nebraska. There, lived this nice young boy and he met this nice young girl...

...wait...

No

This isn't right.

I am telling the wrong story.

This story is supposed to be about me. Riiiiiiiiight...

So flash forward about seven and a half years. Meet said boy.

His name is Nate. He is a nice boy. He met a nice girl in previously said city. Meet girl.

Her name is Erica. She is a nice girl.

They met, dated, broke up, got back together, decided they were inseparable, moved a few times, got engaged...

ya dee, ya dee, ya.

Add a dog. Meet said dog.

Her name is Juno. She is a sweet dog.

Here is my part of the story. (no stick figures required...you know me) I was asked by previously said girl to be a bridesmaid. I was very excited! I, thankfully, wasn't asked to be the maid of honor (I mean why would I, she has a sister) because it is a lot of responsibility that I dont want. Moving forward about 6 months to the present. The wedding is 4 months from now. It is the new year where new years resolutions are generally made. I made a few. One of them...

OPERATION: THE DRESS

I have this beautiful dress (that i havent tried on yet, its still being made) that I am going to be wearing. I have met the bride-to-be of course (so have you, see above, lol) and the maid of honor, her sister. They are both tall and thin and beautiful. I have not met the other bridesmaids but I am sure they will follow suit. I, however am not tall. There is not much I can do about that except for buy some great heels. But thin, I am not, and can do something about. or at least partially before the wedding. So this is where my operation has come in. I am by no means going to be thin like them by the wedding, but a lot of money is going into this wedding and i want to look my best for it. So we are in full effect. The year has started with me being sick, which admittedly is not fun, but has left me with no appetite, and therefore a good thing. Check. Step two, a 5k that I did a week ago. Awesome. Check. Step three, the gym, when i regain full use of my lungs, that treadmill and I will be best friends once again. and heeeeeeeello spinning class. Yeah, there I am. Dont you even worry. Its going down. you just wait. we are all going to look magical in our dresses!

Don't you just love stick figures? haha,me too!

A few suggestions

For those of you who know me very well, you know that reading a book is not my first form of entertainment. It never has been, but on occasion I come across a book suggestion from someone and I take them up on it.

In this first case, 'The Hunger Games', I saw a preview for the movie that comes out in March and was intrigued. I had heard good things about it, so I asked for the first book of the trilogy for Christmas. I was not disappointed. I started on this booked a few days ago and couldn't put it down, even though I have been sick, and have needed my sleep more than I wished for. It really is heart pumping and always on the verge of climax. I highly recommend. I wondered if when I finished this one, if I would rush out and buy the second to get started. But when the book was over all I could think was that I was exhausted. Mentally drained from the ever up-beat tempo. I will read book 2 and 3, but I am going to give it a minute. They leave a small cliffhanger to grasp your attention for the next one, but not one I am quite ready for yet. I have no doubt it will be just as action packed as the first. I will say that it can be a little bit graphic in terms of violence. Nothing too bad, but I mean the premise of the book is 24 kids go into an arena as a fight to the death and only one can survive. It was bound to have something a little violent in it. Just a warning.

This is another book I have been reading recently. 2 books in one month? I know, thats really a lot for me. And both were decent sized books. 400+ pages. Nothing to scoff at. Anyways, this book was really quite magical for me. It was recommended to me by my roommate's mom, Debby aka 'my Texas mom'. She has raved about it since I have lived here and I always thought i would pick it up sometime. So finally i did. I was ordering something from amazon.com and i needed it to be at least $25 to get free shipping, so i figured it was a perfect time to get the book. If i hated the book, I could just give it to Debby (who i later learned already has 3 copies) or give it away or something.

So this book was pretty magical for me. Why? Well I love love stories. You know I do. I wont pretend like they don't suck me in at first glance. Hence the reason I love Twilight so. And why from that series the first (Twilight) is my fav. I love watching them fall in love all over again. It is also the reason I am writing my own book...about two people falling in love. So this book 'Redeeming Love' tells you right in the title that its about love. We are already off to a good start. This book tells a fictional version that loosely tells the story of the book of Hosea from the Bible. This book was a little harder for me to get into at first. The beginning tells of this girl whose life is nothing short of miserable. And it made me kind of miserable too. But it definitely has its own redeeming qualities. It is one of those books that I wanted to scream at a few of the characters because they were simply either just pure evil, or so stupid they kept getting in their own way. And the book made me cry a few times. Nothing like at the end. The last paragraph of the book...yeah, i lost it. haha. I highly recommend you not reading the last paragraph before you get there (Amy, i know about you!!) But do as you please.

Happy Reading!!

Christmas Projects 2011

This one was for Alex. Her favorite hymn is 'Near My God to Thee'. The letters on the frame are hand painted. I learned on Pinterest how to do it. It still takes a lot of time and its not perfect. But she liked it (she cried! yes!!!). I dyed the paper with coffee so that it would look old (yellow/brown, and wrinkled). I briefly thought it might be a little sacrilegious to dip a church hymn in coffee (it was just printed from the internet), but i didnt drink the coffee and i got the coffee from work. it was old by then. so i wasnt too concerned. :)

This one was for my mom. Got the idea from Pinterest. You have probably seen it. She is a teacher so i thought it would be fun to put up at school.

This one was for my dad. He works at two different wineries. I bought the corks online. I had to cut the corks and it took soooooo long. I tore up my hands on many occasions trying to cut those corks. So i would quit for a fews days/weeks and let my hands take a break, then resume. It is glued to the back of a shadow box.

Home

I went home for Christmas this year. I was gone for about 10 days or so. It was a pretty great vacation and nice to get away from work and Texas for a minute. My brother and I went to a Colts game. They won. Second game they won all season against a playoff ranked team. It was a great game from start to finish.

Sam thoroughly enjoyed being under the Christmas tree. Its his favorite time of year too!

Meet Juno. She is Golden Retriever. She lives in Covington KY. She is my brother and his fiancé's. She was named after the beach that they got engaged on. When she is being bad they call her by her full name "Juno Beach." Its pretty cute actually. She loves loves loves new people. Therefore, she and I became instant friends. In this picture she is playing camera shy because Nate and Erica were not there and I was the only one home to take care of her for a few hours. She was not pleased.