Im feeling inspired lately

He had that look in his eyes. She knew the look well. He smiled making wrinkles at the edges of his light brown eyes and around his mouth. Those were always her favorite features of his face. He took a deep breath and knelt to the ground on one knee. He looked up at her.

She had always imagined this moment. It was perfect. Her breath caught as she looked down at the man she loved with all her heart. He extended his slightly shaky hand. There was a small black velvet box sitting in his palm. A ring sat tucked in its soft fabric. The perfectly cut stone centered on the ring sparkled off the lights of the nearby Christmas tree.

He remembered. It was the ring she had once told him she had always wanted. It was beautiful. There was a large diamond in the center with smaller diamonds on each side set into the band of the ring. The sparkly clear diamonds accented the white gold flawlessly.
“Lucy, I love you. Will you marry me?”

Her eyes moved from the ring to the eyes she knew so well. “I…I…I can’t,” she whispered. She looked up from those disappointed eyes to catch the warm tears before they spilled over. A quiet sob rumbled in her throat.

Lucy’s eyes flashed open. Her breathing came in hammered gasps as she lay in her small bed. She reached up to feel the all too real tears that ran down her face. Not again, she thought.

This is the preface to the story I am writing. I would really love it to be book length by the end, but who knows what will happen. I am about 50 pages in so far. I have had a lot of boy drama over the last year and i am finally turning it into inspiring me to write again. I started this story when I lived in Maine 6 1/2 years ago. I put it down for about 4 years. But I have been slowly making progress over the last 2 years. I hope the beginning catches your attention at least a little. :) maybe it will end up being a good little book. (not that i will every publish it or anything, lol)

blogging

i wish that i remembered how to blog. i really cant think of anything to blog about. plenty (PLENTY!!) has been going on, but not really anything i want to put out there in blogger-land. or anything that is really fun and exciting. Mostly stressful and unfun things have been happening. maybe some of which is my own fault. haha

Anywho, i am going to start blogging again some day, i think. that is the goal anyways. i have lots of goals. lots of which dont ever get done...hmmmm...

well, here's hoping for the best.

Love, Me

oh, and since no good post goes without a pic, here is one of me before a first date i went on that i was super excited about. the date went AMAZING!

too bad it was really just a show he was putting on. and the real him...not amazing. or great. or nice. or respectful. or patient...crap...this is why i dont blog. no one wants to hear all this.

either way, i looked amazing!! :))

Remember that time...

...when I used to blog? Yeah. Me too. Its been almost two months now. I kind of forgot about blogging with all the craziness that has been going on in my life. Which I guess is okay because none of the things going on in my life, that have made it crazy, are things i really wanna blog about.

So...I here is what I will tell you about.

I did P90X today for the first time! Chest and Back. And I totally rocked it. I mean I was totally sweating and working hard. I think over the hour workout I did 200 pushups, 30 pull ups (with help) and lots of other various arm stuff. ANNNNNNDDDD...that was my second workout for today. I worked out with my PT this morning. We did squats and other leg machines. You know that point when you are working out that your legs (arms, or whatever you are working) feel like jello? well, I passed that point this morning. At one point I told him that I couldn't feel them anymore. I looked down to make sure they were still there. and they were. but i couldn't feel them at all. He just smiled. I think he gets enjoyment out of my suffering. lol

but seriously!

And on another note, I am writing more of my story. I wrote a pretty amazing first kiss scene. haha Get excited!!

4th of July

Happy Independence Day America. I had a three day weekend. Like most people. I don't usually get my three day weekends because they always want us to work. So I was excited.

On Friday night I went to Lori's birthday party at a friend's house. Good food and good friends. What more can you ask for in an evening? :)

Saturday i mostly bummed around and then went with Bre to Winstar. It is a casino in Oklahoma. I went in with a small amount of money to play with. I lost it all, but i supposed i expected that. We didnt get home til 6 am. It was fun.

Church on Sunday, and then a very long nap afterwards.

Monday (today) i started to pack my apartment and did soooooooo much laundry. Like, so much. It is all piled on my bed. Now the goal is to fold it all before it give up and throw it all on the floor. I should really stop that. Tonight I went to a pool party at my bishop's house and then we went to see fireworks. We were so close to the fireworks. They were right over us and we could see where they were lighting them. Awesome!

I hope everyone's 4th was fabulous!

The last Two Weeks

The last two weeks have been NUTS!! Seriously. So good. And sooooo bad.

Lets recap.

I made my parents their anniversary gift, which seriously stressed me out. I took it to the party and overall I would say it turned out pretty good.

Abdoul and I broke up. Im back in the LDS world as a single person again. Which kinda makes me wanna kill myself sometimes.

On vacation, I flew to Indiana and my brother picked me up. I got to hang out with him and Erica for a couple of days. We ran around Cincinnati and went to a Reds baseball game. That was fun. The evening had super great weather.

View of Cincinnati from their back porch. Pretty great view, eh?

At the Reds game. They WON!

The party was on Saturday. I was kind of stressed out that day. But Trevor and his gf Rabita drove me around and helped me set up the decorations. Which was super nice of them.

The party started and a ton of people showed up. Way more than RSVPed. Which was okay. I think we had about 75 or

so. We had cake and punch, catered food, and alcohol. Rigel Jackson was the photographer and she did a wonderful job. (See fb album) My parents were truly surprised. They had no idea I was in town or that there was a party at all. It was great. There were people at the party from Indiana, Ohio, Kentucky, Illinois, Tennessee, Louisiana, and Texas. I really couldnt have asked for it to go better. I would say it was perfect!

I spent a few more days at home and hung out with some people I hadnt seen in a while. It was good. Nice to sleep in and not have to worry about work stuff or the regular day to day things.

Trevor and I at a bagel place. Trevor is a mess. haha.

I am back in Texas. I went to a concert at the horse racing track with Breanna. It was pretty fun. The Eli Young Band. They sing country music.

I also watched the NBA finals at a sports bar the other night and met someone. Yeah, thats right, I met a guy.

This is how i looked that night! :)

I am sooooooo not the type of girl that can move from one guy to the next and not even miss a beat. Not even a little bit. I have always envied those girls but that has never been my life or my story, so I was just as surprised as all of you that I met someone. I guess i was the one who initiated the flirting (from a distance. you know, a quick smile, a raised eyebrow, etc). But he was the one who approached me after a while. We chatted for about two and a half hours actually. He is super nice, and funny, and laughs at lots of things i say. Ya know, sounds pretty typical of flirting when you first meet someone. He got my number and asked when he could see me again.

He ended up coming over a few days later to hang out. He was here for a few hours. It was fun. I am not sure that we are quite a right fit for each other. Even for dating. As i get to know him more, I just dont see it. Not that there is anything wrong with him, I just think Abdoul is still too fresh in my mind. I thought i was fine. I was completely over it. I felt good. Haven't been crying since before i met this new guy. I have no regrets with Abdoul, or feel like I shouldn't have ended things. Buuuuuut, as I am getting out there, everything that happens either reminds me of Ab or reminds me of how different it is than how Ab would do it, or say it. So, I just dont think I have really moved on as much as I thought.

But I can honestly say that I have been giving it a good effort to move on. And that is a lot more than I can say for any other past relationships of mine.

Other than that, I have been working out a lot. I have been hanging out with my friend Breanna a lot. I have a few new projects that I am going to be working on. (get excited!!) A mama cat had 6 baby kittens on my back patio while I was on vacation. They are pretty cute. Annnnd I just bought a pair of jeans from Old Navy today for $0.87. Get it!!

Life is pretty good. :)

21.2

For those of you who don't know, I turned 21 again yesterday. People asked me all day how old I turned, and I just felt like 21 was probably a good answer. So here we go again! Bring it on 21! Bring it on!

I really did have a great birthday! Here is what I did, just in case you were dying to know (I'm guessing not, haha). I woke up. Cleaned my apartment (it was seriously nasty). I went and got a pedicure. Fabulous! I went and picked up The Man. We ran a few errands. Then he took me to On The Border to eat. After seeing the kind of humiliation they inflicted on someone else with a birthday yesterday (with loud singing and clapping and yelling) we decided it was best to not tell them it was my bday. Then we went back to my apartment and chilled out for a bit. Let our overly full bellies rest.

We then headed over to Main Event (it is a place where you can bowl, play pool, shuffle board, play acarde games, eat, watch sports, etc) where a bunch of my friends had gathered to hang out and wish me a happy birthday. Ab and I bowled four games, i think. He beat me every time. One of the games he only beat me by one point. But he told me beforehand that his goal was to at least beat me. He didnt care if everyone else beat us, but he wasn't coming in last. haha. and he did. Other people played pool. It was a really good night and we had fun. I got to finally show off my man, which i was seriously stoked about. To every person i introduced him to, I announced him as, "this is my BOYFRIEND, Abdoul." Haha. i am silly. i know, but at least i embrace it, right? One of my friends/church buddy, came up to me after she met him, and was like... "Alllllllison....okay, but really. He is. He is just...(pause)" I was like, "I know. He is sexy!" and she was like, "Yeeeeeeeeah!" lol. Love it! But anyways, we had fun. Ab said that he had fun. He fell asleep in the car when i was driving him home. I guess I wore him out.

Either way, it ranks up there with my top few birthdays even though it was pretty low key. Holla'!

Alex

Dewey

Brandon, Suzanne, Lori, Lynette

Lori

Virgil and Justin in the back, Natalie and Alex in the middle, and Keith in the front!

And finally!!!! A good pic of me and the man! I am a little sweaty, but still a great photo! Looooove this kid! :)

Stock Yards

I went to the Fort Worth Stock Yards. I have been once before, but this time it was really busy. And super humid. I didn't stay long. But at the stock yards they have cattle that they move from place to place so you can see them, and cowboys and cowgirls on horses. Everyone is decked out. You can ride a horse drawn carriage. There are lots of shops where you can buy anything with the word "Texas" on it. You can also buy cowboy hats and little trinkets. There are places to eat and bars. It is all around pretty fun. I took a few pictures. Everything is all the stereotypes that you think of for Texas! :)

This guy is by far my favorite!! I mean check out that stance he has. He knows he's got this (whatever "this" is). Cigarette is hanging out of his mouth. Soooooo Texas! HAHA! loved him!

Easter Sunday

So today I went with Alex to her mom's house for Easter. Her mom wanted us to go to church with her so we got up at the crack of dawn (or so it felt like) and drove the hour and a half to get to her mom (and stepdad's) house. They live in the middle of nowhere. Really NOWHERE! So we immediately leave for church. The church was in the middle of nowhere too. It was a Baptist church.

Sidebar: I'm a little tainted when it comes to baptist churches. I have been ruined. I have a fear walking into any baptist church that they will find out I am Mormon and immediately attack me. Probably irrational, but it has really happened before...more times than I want to think about.

Anyways, we go and I have to say, that I totally fell in love with these people. You know when you think of Texas you think of people in cowboy boots, boot cut jeans with suspenders, riding a horse? Well that isn't really Texas. I mean, yes there are people like that, but I live in a huge metroplex with almost 5 million people. So we/they look like anyone else. But the people at this church were every stereotype that you can think of for Texas. When the first person got up to announce what song we would be singing first, I really had to lean over to Alex and ask if he was speaking English. I couldn't understand a word he was saying because his accent was so thick. Seriously. He was wearing "Levi's" not jeans. That isn't what you call them in the back woods of Texas. Cowboy boots. Suspenders. And talked about Jesus like He was his best friend. It was a simple message of how Jesus had risen and could help us sinners make it to Heaven because he died and rose again. Everyone was so friendly and came up and shook our hands and were so welcoming. People shouted Amen! and Praise Jesus! during the message. It made my heart happy to see good people worshipping our Heavenly Father in the best way that they were taught. They were happy people who love Jesus, and would bring him up in random conversations. Love it!

Maybe its because I grew up Methodist but it arises something nostalgic in me when I go to Protestant churches every now and then. The message is always simple. The people openly love God and Jesus and they try their best to be good people. Not to say that LDS people don't do this too. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I just get too stressed. I worry too much. I over think. But I feel like I have so many things to worry about being LDS. Am I worthy to take the sacrament? Have I been to the temple often enough? Am I keeping the word of wisdom correct? Am I working hard enough on my calling? Have I done my VT? Am I up to date on my tithing? Have I read my scriptures often enough? Are my prayers sincere enough? Are they too repetitive?

Does anyone else stress out this much? Is that how it is supposed to be? I honestly don't know. But sometimes I do miss the simpleness I felt when I was Methodist. Does that make me a bad person?? (There I go again, worrying...)

Do not get me wrong, I 1000% believe in the LDS faith. I know it is right. And I know I can be/ and have been happy living the way I know I should. I guess maybe I just worry I don't do enough. I am not doing it right, or something.

*shrug*

It was a good Sunday, though. I ate way too much delicious Easter food.

I hope everyone had an excellent Easter!

Some Perspective

Sometimes I just need to get out and try to see my life from a different view. Get some new perspective. Ya know? That is just what i did today.

Me+a gorgeous day+a park+some trails+my ipod w/ some EFY music=Perspective. Check!

I went to a park in Arlington called Randol Mill Park. It is the site of my December 5k, so I am a little familiar.

Don't I look all perspective-y? lol.

So pretty

Okay, so there was this cute little family having family photos taken. The dad and the little baby girl you can barely see in the top left corner. He was trying to get her to stand so the photographer could get a pic of it. She fell every time. He would pick her back up and put her on her feet and she was immediately plop down her her bum again. He did this at least 15 times. He was ever so patient with her. Finally she stayed up. Wobbled a little, but stayed standing. Her dad move away a few feet and the photographer snapped 3 quick photos. And then she plopped down on her bum again. This little family made me smile though. They were super cute!

This lady was reading a book with her dogs. She seemed very peaceful. Later I passed by her on one of the trials. Her dogs were terrified of me. haha. I dont know why.

Great Sunday afternoon!

What's been going on

So I feel like everyone has been asking me lately how I am. "What is going on?" "How are things?" All in reference to the bf. And all for good reason, no doubt. But I would just like to let everyone know that things are fine. We are good. Things are moving right along like any relationship does. And I am happy. :)

In other news, I feel like I have had about a million and a half things rolling around in my head that I am trying to sort out. Work through. Find time for. Finish. Get started on. Etc. (see below)

I am:

Running another 5K this coming Saturday (get excited Ames)

I have been writing more of my book/story

I just got my hair highlighted and cut (see pics below)

I am planning a party, and trying to save money by making a lot of the stuff for it myself (i.e. invitations, gift, figuring out the photography situation)

Looking for new apartments (my lease is up in July)

Trying to cut costs/expenses in my life (cheaper apt, cheaper gym membership, cutting food costs, paying off my car sooner (to save in the long run), trying to spend less money on gas)

Looking for a new job (hate everything about everything when it comes to this subject...moving on)

In completely other random news I would like to pass on some funny things that the bf says to me sometimes. The kid really does crack me up sometimes. But maybe its only funny to me...I don't know.

First of all...

He has decided I am pretty much half me and half him.

Translation of what that means...

He calls me half African all the time. He says this because I am willing to try the food that he eats from Africa. And I like it. I am willing to eat with my hands, like Africans do. AND I come from Indiana. Which he has decided is like a village. Yes. He calls Indiana "the village." He has never been to IN. And he only knows what I tell him, but somehow I have managed to make IN come across like it is a desolate, third world, farm country. I didn't mean for it to sound like that. I think maybe its just more me, than IN that he sees that way. Maybe because I come from a smaller city. I enjoy simply things. I love to make things instead of buying them. I know how to sew, and cook, and have made clothes for myself. I offer to patch up his ripped uniforms. I rarely let him spend money on me. etc. It cracks me up when he calls it the village, though. I keep telling him I will take him there someday and he can see for himself. I really blew his mind one day when I told him about Amish people and how you can find them in IN. haha. He likes to ask me silly questions like "do they have highways in IN that have 5 lanes or only 2?" or when I was driving on a gravel driveway today "Are all the roads like this in IN?" or "Are there very many black people in IN?" haha. silly man. I just laugh at him. Oh, and since I am half African, that means, I am half black too. Not like I am mixed, but half of me is white and half of me is black. go figure. haha.

One time I said something like..."well, I am African, right?" And he was like... "Half. You are only half." He just shook his head at the thought of me being all the way African. haha. It is super cute when he says "half" because he doesn't pronounce "H's" when they are at the beginning of words. Kind of like in spanish. So "half" is "alf". "House" is "ouse". "Hands" is "ands". "Happy" is "appy". "Hips" is "ips". (that one was my personal fav)

The other reason he says I am half him is because he has recently decided I am also half (or "alf") Muslim. This, I dont really know why. I mean, the Muslim and Mormon faiths are pretty similar, I have come to find out. Which is nice in a lot of ways. But he just decided that I was half muslim as of yesterday. I just laugh.

So I guess, I am half White-American-Mormon and alf Black-African-Muslim.

Amy requested pics of my new hair. The first pic was taken before, and is just a really good pic of me. The rest are post-highlights/cut.

Can you even tell? The Man about freaked out on the phone when I told him I colored and cut my hair. His exact words where "but it was so beautiful." I explained that it is more blonde now and only has about an inch or two gone. He then said "oh, maybe it is more beautiful now." :) love him.

High Occupancy Vehicle

*A disclaimer: I metioned on facebook the other day that i have been writing this post in my head for a couple of weeks now. I didnt post it before now, because I felt like its story is a little sad and pathetic. But, whatever...I guess i dont care.

I drive a lot. Half an hour each way to work. (it used to be an hour) I have been going to church 35 minutes away from my apartment. The bf lives about 35 minutes away. And i seem to be driving him around a lot lately. I joke that i cant afford to date him due to gas prices. :) But its worth the gas to spend time with him.

I get stuck in traffic a lot too. It makes me a little crazy sometimes. But i deal, with little to no road rage. ;) I get jealous though. I see the cars in the HOV lane just flying by probably laughing at all of us one-person-occupied-vehicles. Ive never been able to drive in the HOV lane. I am always alone in the car. I am not sure why, but when i am in the car, i do some of my best thinking. I can feel the Spirit pretty easily as well. And i love to drive, so im happy. But i am not going to lie, their have been times where i wanted nothing more than for someone else to be in the car with me, just purely for company. I sometimes imagine who it would be, and what we would talk about. In the past i would sometimes think of some faceless guy who would be sitting next to me, holding my hand, and smiling at me, as we talked about life...or something. It would make me sad sometimes to look over at the empty seat and know there was no one to fill it.

Their were also times when i would be with the family that i used to live with here in Texas. Tom and Debby would be in the front two seats of the van. Bre and her bf would be on the far back bench, probably snuggling. And i would be in the middle row with an empty seat next to me. Usually we would be going somewhere far away, if it was all of us. Like to Tom's family's house for Christmas, or to NM to go skiing. I would again look over at the empty seat and feel like it was a metaphor for my life. Me, surrounded by couples, wondering if i even remembered what it was like to be in a relationship, because it had been so long. Again, my sad face would come out.

So 2 Sundays ago, the boy called. I asked what he was doing. He told me he had dropped off his car to be looked at and he was waiting on his ride to come get him and take him home. He mentioned that his ride hadn't called in a while, though, and he wondered if he would really come get him. I offered to come pick him up. He accepted. I went and picked him up and we headed back to his house. On the way, though, a friend of his called and told him that his car had broken down and asked if he could come get him and take him to work that night. I told him i didn't mind going to get his friend. So we changed directions and headed towards his friend's place. He leaned over and pointed at the HOV lane and said, 'you can get in the HOV lane. we will be on this interstate for a little while.'

For the first time in the weeks that i had been dating him, i realized that i had enough people in my car to use the forbidden HOV lane. I was so excited! I think i even said out loud, "oh my gosh, I can finally use the HOV because you are with me!" he just smiled at me, and said, "yes you can." It may be a small thing that i get to use the HOV lane every now and then, but to me it was huge. (i know. i told you this was pathetic. *See disclaimer.) He was even holding my hand at the time :) And again felt like it was a new metaphor for my life. I am not alone anymore. I mean, i am still alone a lot. but i have a guy who thinks about me, wants me around, calls me, hangs out with me, and makes me feel good. great, even! And...i get to pass by all the traffic and people alone in their cars. haha.

Here is a much anticipated picture of me and him. Don't be fooled by his non-smile. He smiles a lot. And has adorable wrinkles that form around his mouth when he does. Love it! He was super tired though. it was super late. and he doesn't really like pictures. Some day i will get a good one of us. :)

Fufu

The man made me Fufu the other day. I had never heard of Fufu before I met him. But i have mentioned the name to a few other people since, and they are always like, "yeah, I've heard of it". I was unaware it was so common. I mean, i knew it was common among Africans, but why do so many Americans know about it? Where have I been? Have been hiding under a rock?

Anyways...

This is what i looks like right after it comes out of the pan. It feels like dough in your hands, but tastes kinda like mashed potatoes in you mouth. Its pretty delicious. He eats it several times a week. I can see why. :)

This what is looks like after he made it look pretty...like on the outside of the box.

You eat is with your hands.

Here i am eating it. He made fish that night as well. We also ate that with our hands. :) He yells at me for eating with my left hand. Apparently that is a big no no in Africa. He tells me that if I go there I can't eat with my left hand with other people around, unless I am using utensils...which they don't use very often.

He taught me how to make it. Next goal...to make it all by my self and have it taste right. :)

Race Pictures

The beginning of the race

The end...finally!

Houston

I went to visit my cousin in Houston last weekend. It was super fun. We went to this super nice mall where we walked thru the store Saks 5th Ave. I just so happen to grab this cardigan that was see-through and clearly meant to accent an outfit. I glanced down at the price tag. I literally almost flipped out.

$798.00!!!!

Yeah, you read that right. I couldn't believe it! An accent piece? Thin and see-through. What is going on in the world? And who can afford that?

We ate at a Spanish restaurant. It was muy deliciosos. I was surprised at how much i liked it. We also ate dessert at an Arabic pastry place. The dessert we ate was called Kunafa. It was delicious as well.

I spent my time with my cousin Patrick, his wife Keena, and

her sister Najla. Houston is so big!!

I really don't know who these last people are. It was just a good picture.

March 5K

One down, eleven to go in 2011.

You know when you go out and run and its good? You go further than you thought and you aren't dying. So you are feeling ambitious. You go out the next day thinking you will run the same amount and long before you get there you are dying, not gonna make it, feel like your legs might fall off. But why? I don't know. I really don't know why you have good running days and bad running days, but it happens...to me. And other people, I guess.

That was my 5k last week. About 3/4 of a mile in, I really started to contemplate quitting. I just really struggled from start to finish. I didn't quit, and I beat my December 5k time. The theme was Mardi Gras. People were wearing masks and beads. I didn't get these beads 'til the end. And thankfully I didn't have to do anything but finish the 5k to get them...if you know what I'm saying. ;)

Valentine's Days of the Past

I hate Valentine's Day. With a passion. In the past my day would consist of me just rolling my eyes, and mumbling under my breath about stupid flowers, people in love, and chocolate. I never had a reason to like it. I know. Im just a bitter girl. I wont deny it. I don't care. Say what you want. I am comfortable with my bitterness.

V-day 2009 was especially horrible for me and reconfirmed my reasons for hating the Day of Love. (no need to expand on why it was so horrible. just trust me.) 2010 wasn't so bad. i mostly forgot about the day. maybe because it was a Sunday, and i like Sundays and didn't see oodles of people receiving presents and signs of affection. I dont know. I thought i was getting better...haha. lets be real.

This year, I told myself i would be fine. i told myself the day would be okay, and i wouldn't care. I probably made it about an hour and a half into being awake before the bitterness started to creep in. On top of that it was a monday, and mondays are never good days. They really are manic. Work is always nuts on mondays and people, like me, were especially in a bad mood on the phone. the last thing i wanted to deal with, right?

(Keep reading, things turn around, promise...)

I took my lunch break around 3pm that day and went tanning so i could get in a quick nap in the bed and relax a little. haha. As i was walking back to my car this guy started talking to me in the parking lot. He was attractive, and seemed to be hitting on me. hmmm.... i didn't pay too much attention though and kept walking. But he just kept talking to me. So i stopped, turned around and walked back to him to see what he could possibly want with me. I had no make-up on. I was a little sweaty from tanning, and probably had an angry look on my face. haha. after talking to him for a few minutes he asked me for my phone number. now, for those of you who know me, this is not the first time a guy has asked me for my number in a completely random public place. Sometimes i say okay. other times, i just tell them no. i'm not afraid to. I don't care. i will never see them again. why should i care if i bruise their egos a little, right? but i felt okay about him. like i said, he was attractive. and had an accent. yeah, love me some accents. so i give him my number. He called me that night after work and asked me out for the following Saturday.

To make a long story short, the last two and a half weeks have been kinda crazy. i have talked to him almost everyday either on the phone, or we have hung out. we have been on a couple dates. he is a complete gentleman and treats me really well. my roommate loves him, and just shook her head when she saw him the first time. She told me the other day i have finally met someone who is up to my caliber. haha. not sure that is true, but I'll take the compliment.

Tonight on the phone he called himself my boyfriend. so i guess i have a boyfriend. :) I mentioned something the other day about how he hit on me for the first time on V-day. He didnt even realize it was Valentine's Day at the time. Pffff...guys...right? its a pretty cute little story, though, and now i finally have a reason to not hate Valentine's Day. Yeaaaaaahh!

His name is Abdoul. He is not from the US (hence the accent previously mentioned). He is originally from Burkina Faso. For those of you who are asking yourself if that is a real place...it is. It is a country in west Africa. No worries, i didn't know either. He is an American citizen as of 7 days ago, as well. He has lived all over the world, mostly Europe (other than Africa), and speaks 7 languages. He is crazy! and i love it!

Way to go Valentine's Day 2011. You rocked my face off this year!

Trust Me...

I think I'm developing trust issues.

As a kid I trusted very few people. My mom, and maybe that is it. There may have been others. I don't really remember. As I got into middle school I began to trust friends, but on a very basic level. Certainly not anyone of the male gender. As I moved into high school, I trusted more people. Friends mostly. In a more personal way probably. But...I was still hesitant. I began to see people moving away, never coming back, and losing touch with them. I also feared that telling people things about my life would result in it backfiring in my face, in a major way. I can't say that it ever really did. Maybe I was good at the game. Maybe there was nothing noteworthy about me to gossip about. I don't really know. Nor does it matter at this point.

I became friends with Jason and Trevor in high school, and for the first time in 10 years, I started to trust guys again. (Thanks guys!)

College began. A whole new world of social activities, dates, all nighters, homework, and classes filled my life. But the small flame of trust I had in guys began to grow dimmer and dimmer. Not because my heart was broken over and over again, or I was publicly humiliated or anything, I was mostly just not noticed. Which was a lot of my own fault. For those of you who don't know this little fact about me, I spent much of my first 18 years of life just trying to disappear. Fit in. Not get noticed. Not get attention. Never get called on or out. I was pro at it. Really. Old habits die hard, right? This lack of attention made me a little bitter and angry though. I didn't realize I had to take some responsibility in that. I used to use phrases like, "all boys are dumb." "i hate guys." It didn't even occur to me that I might be wrong until a good friend called me out in a greenhouse one day. She told me that there were guys out there that were mean, and rude, and selfish, but it wasn't the majority of guys. And that she didn't want to hear me using those phrases again. It occurred to me, for probably the first time in my life, that it was probably true. So in an effort to see the good in guys, and not have this new best friend of mine not hate me, I stopped using those phrases and started thinking of guys more positively. (yea me!)

But wait, I said I am developing trust issues (I'm getting there)...

Since then there have been three guys that have come into my life, that convinced me that I was worth their time. It made me happy. It gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, I was. The first one, I was just so shocked to get attention that I didn't even know what to do with myself. The second broke my heart in a way that I feared I would never get over, and the third has made me distrust all of the male gender again. And the sick part is I keep letting him back in, in small ways to break my heart all over again. I know he will. And yet somehow I convince myself that the small, short-lived bit of time he makes me smile and feel worthwhile is worth the inevitable heartbreak that will come. But, sometimes that attention feels better than none at all.

I shouldn't be bitter. I shouldn't base all guys on these three. I know this. I am just tainted. And hurt. And feel hopeless sometimes.

The part that has me most worried is that there will someday come some great guy into my life and I will mess it up because all my walls are up. And I'm guarded. And that I won't trust him. And I'll push him away.

Ugh.

So there is where I'm at. No trust.

(I know I promised a few of you that I would stop being bitter a while ago. What can I say? It comes and goes.)

Resolutions

Last year (2010) I had a friend who rated himself on his new years resolutions from the year before on his blog. (I think it was last year.) So I thought it might be fun to try out. This requires me to share what all my resolutions are from last year, and how on some of them I miserably failed, but who even reads my blog anyways? ;)

1.Lose weight

I give myself an F. Yeah, this one I certainly failed at. I'm gonna do better this year. (Hopefully)

2. Run a 5k the whole way

I give myself a C on this one. I did a 5k in December. I know I am a procrastinator. Its true. I didn't run the whole thing. I did it nevertheless. So a passing grade (unless this were an ID class, and then that grade is basically a fail, lol....moving on...)

3. Go on a date

I know this seems like a really simple goal. But I wanted to go on a date where I wasn't the one asking. Which doesn't always happen often. I get an A+ on this one. I asked one guy out this year, and got asked out by two different guys. One was a friend date. The other, a legit date. So, yeah for me!

4. Have a boyfriend

A- I give myself the minus because he wasn't exactly the best person I could have been dating. But...I never specified on my resolutions. So....*shrug*

5. Pay off my credit card debt

Solid B. I paid them off, and kept them paid off for several months, but I have rolling money on one of my credit cards right now. I am trying to save for something expensive and coming up soon. (Nope, I'm not telling you what it is. Its a secret. You will find out soon enough....or before 2011 is over) :)

6. Buy a car

A+ Yeah, I did!! Sooner than I had anticipated, but it happened, and I bought exactly what I wanted and don't regret it, ever!

7. Read my scriptures and pray more consistently

C This always shows up on my lists of things to improve on. I mean, who doesn't have room for improvement, right? I did REALLY good sometimes, and other times, REALLY horrible. So C it is.

8. Read the entire BOM

F I fail at this one too. I started and then skipped around, and restarted, and skipped around some more. But never actually read all the way through. Booo.

9. Go to the temple once a week

B I did really good for most of the year. Then got busy and it fell off, but I have gone to the temple more times in 2010, then in my whole life combined. So that is something to be proud of.

So if I gave myself an overall grade that would average to a D-. Hmmm. I thought I had done better than that. Well usually I fail at all of them. So...progress for me. lol. Sad, but true.

I haven't made this years resolutions yet, but I have some good ones in mind. :) I hope everyone had a good New Year's!